「 ✦Being afraid of high school ✦ 」

I think I've seen a lot of middle schoolers afraid of going to high school. Some said it's hard, some said it will change you a lot, and honestly? All of this is true. But it depends on what you went through.

My experience....

When I first went to high school, I was really excited. It was a great occasion for me to make new friends and also go to school with no stress since I've spent most of my middle school years being bullied. I could finally be myself with no restrain. It wasn't very different from middle school at first, but the subjects were a bit different and harder indeed.

Everything starts to bottle up at the middle of the year. Unfortunately, they do a lot of group project and assignments that require you to do a speech or whatever in front of the whole class, which can be really difficult especially if you're introverted like me. I had arguments with my friend group so they all started getting close with other people and we never really spoke again. So I ended up alone. Like back in middle school.

It was pure hell. If I was enthusiastic at first, I started feeling bad again. I'd see everyone with their own friend group and I was there....but I wasn't. I had some "friends" I suppose but to them I was more like a replacement when their main friend wasn't there than anything. I started skipping school as well, staying home felt better than going back to school.

I had this boy I liked in my class. He was in my friend group and I had this big, obvious crush on him. I'm not really the type to hide things. If I like you, it'll be obvious. I thought I had a chance with him so I'd just continue my bullshit and hoped he'd notice me.

Never happened. He knew I liked him but got with one of my friend. Did I mention that she knew I liked him?

All of this for what? She treated him like shit and they broke up barely two months later. There was this girl from another class that kept making fun of me because I had dmed one of his friends and he'd rejected me. It was really messed up. I was messed up. I guess I wanted to prove that I could be with someone too but it didn't turn out the way I hoped it would and I basically got bullied again. 

Now this is the thing that really destroyed me. Like I wasn't feeling bag enough I felt horrible and worthless, dumb and ugly.

I'd just look at myself in the mirror and ask what did I do to deserve this?

To feel better about myself I just started changing everything about myself. I stopped laughing out loud and become even more quiet, like a ghost lurking in the hallways. I changed the way I dress, the way I talk and focused on my grades and only on them. Focusing on myself really did help me feel a bit better. Obviously I was still uncomfortable with my class considering the fact I was now stuck with a boy that knew I used to like him and no friends. I'd just accept it when my "friends" would come back to me when their main wasn't there and say nothing. After class I'd just go home and nobody would hear from me again until the next day.

So, what to think about high school?

Okay now, I'm not saying because all of this happened to me it will happen to others too. But I think high school is just very different for everyone. One of the girls I knew in my class had every boys yearning for her, and everyone had fun apparently. But I do understand why some people are afraid of going to high school. It can be fun, but it can be hell too. Some people are still assholes after all.

I'm still recovering from everything that has happened to me, and I'm still working on myself. I don't want to think about school for now and I think it's just better that way. I just see a lot of people saying that high school was amazing, and I just wanted to share my experience, but I'm not trying to scare anyone. It's different for everyone.

I hope you enjoyed this post, despite it being quite heavy.

Kisses xx